How Involved Should Grandma Be?

My husband and I both grew up on the east coast, but haven’t lived there since we got married.  It’s hard for both of us to believe, but it’s true, nonetheless.

Living away from where we grew up means many things, from the occasional cultural gap with our friends to traveling for holidays to talking to Grandma and Grandpa using a webcam and SKYPE.  Still, our parents are as hands-on with our kids as they can be from 10 and 12 hours away.  (See mine in the photo, taking my kids into DC.  Good sports!  Brave souls!)  They visit often, try to make it out for different sports seasons, and are (mostly) happy to chip in and babysit when my husband and I need to get out of Dodge for awhile. 

One of the few advantages, I suppose, to living this far away is that we don’t have to deal with either of these situations:

1. Our parents live in the same town, but aren’t the slightest bit interested in babysitting.  Not only do they give us our space, they create more than we’d like. 
2. Our parents live nearby and are so integral to our family that we couldn’t function without them, even though maybe we should.  Our needs come before theirs, and they still help us solve our problems.

Both of these scenarios are addressed in Joanne Kaufman’s article yesterday, in the NYTimes, When Grandma Can’t Be Bothered.  But, clearly, the article focuses on Scenario A, calling these women “glam-mas.”  In the article, Kaufman quotes writer Catherine Conners’ mother:

“I raised two children whom I love dearly, “ she said.  “I was a stay-at-home mom.  Then I discovered when I started my own career that there was a whole other world out there.”

I think this is interesting for two reasons:

1)    Grandma Conners is unapologetic for her stance.  She loves her kids, she loves her grandkids, but she’s been there and done that.  Enough said.

2)    Don’t we all want our children to find their own way?  Isn’t that what Grandma Conners has done?  Is this all bad?

I wonder if there isn’t a happy medium here.  I mean, of course we know there is, but does it exist in the real world?  Do your parents or in-laws live nearby?  Do you find yourself fitting tidily into Scenario A or B above?  If not, how have you managed it?  Did you have to set parameters?  Did your healthy relationship evolve naturally?  If you had one piece of advice for new parents with nearby grandparents, what would it be?

Finding Happiness in Marriage

Last week, I read a post, by Carrien, about marriage.  And then, on Sunday, our pastor talked about the same thing.  Both of them addressed the importance of setting realistic expectations.  Coincidence?  Sure.  But, still, happiness in marriage has been on my mind.

Now, the idea that we need to have realistic expectations isn't exactly news to me. I've been married for almost 17 years: I know a bit about expectations and meeting, or completely failing to meet, them. Also, I've written about expectations before because I've long believed that our experience with any given situation is directly related to the expectations we set beforehand. Why should marriage be any different?

Read the rest of my thoughts on the relationship between expectations and marriage and happiness over at Blissfully Wed (aka Wedded Bliss) today.  Stop on by & check it out!

The Top 8 Things You Can Do Now to Help Your Child Develop Media Literacy

This morning, you won't find me at home.  Nope.  Not gonna be here.

This morning I'll be a bit north of here, speaking to a group of moms about media literacy, something I'm passionate about.  It's so crucial for us, as parents, to help our kids understand that there is a message behind all forms of media, from TV to music to movies to this blog.  Helping our kids learn to ascertain what that message is, who's behind it, and to think through whether or not they agree with it is a powerful gift we can give them.  I strongly suggest starting now!

With that in mind, here's my list of the Top 8 Things You Can Do Now to Help Your Child Develop Media Literacy:

1. Take the time to articulate your family’s values & beliefs.  Display them in a prominent place in your home.  Teach your kids to base their decisions on these values.
2. If there’s a TV in your child’s bedroom, take it out.  If not, keep it that way!  This isn’t just me—it’s a recommendation of the American Academy of Pediatrics.
3. Watch TV or listen to music with your child.  Talk about what you see and hear.  Keep them actively thinking, rather than passively watching or listening.
4. Encourage your kids to learn more about who and what is behind the shows or music they enjoy.
5. Allow older kids more input and let them make mistakes.  If you permit them to watch or listen to something you disagree with, discuss it afterwards.  Respect your children’s opinion.  Sometimes we need to agree to disagree.  But, as parents, we also have the right to insist that kids respect our family’s values.
6. Watch movies together that spark discussions.  Nell Minow suggests some in her book, The Movie Mom’s Guide to Family Movies.  So does Bob Smithouser in Movie Nights: 25 Movies to Spark Spiritual Discussions With Your Teen.  Find one you like & use it - we're not on our own here.
7. Put your computer in a prominent spot in your home.  Use a good parental filter.
8. Be a good role model.  Our kids know what we read and watch, and how much time we spend online or on the couch gazing at the TV.  They know when we live our family values, too.

Reading to Your Kids

Break out the children’s books, people, because today—March 2, the birthday of the beloved Dr. Seuss—is the day for the National Education Association’s Read Across America.  Never heard of it before?  Me either.  Apparently, as a reader, a writer, and a parent, I’ve had my head in the sand because this celebration has been going on since 1998.  Where in the heck have I been?  Oh, sorry, I’ve been kind of busy.  I’ve been reading to my kids.

Okay, okay, maybe that was uncalled for. (I do know that March is Reading Month.  Does that count for something? Anything?  Come on, I haven’t been totally clueless.)

Here’s the idea behind Read Across America:  The NEA would like “every child to be reading in the company of a caring adult” on this day. 

Pro:  Reading with a child is a great idea.  Fantastic.  Totally support it.  Kudos NEA!

Con:  One day?  Seriously?  One day isn’t going to motivate the kids to love reading.  Sorry guys, it just isn’t.

Perhaps I’ve been watching a little too much Idol.  It feels like I’m channeling Simon with my bad attitude.  And, please, please, please understand that I fully support reading to kids.  I understand that the idea here is to generate some excitement.  It’s like a pep rally for reading.  I get that.

But does it really work that way?  When you have a pep rally for football, you don’t have to know a single thing about the game.  I am fairly certain that I made it all the way through high school and college, attending plenty of pep rallies and football games, without ever knowing, exactly, what it is that a Tight End does.  In fact, I'm quite sure I was much more concerned with the tight end on our high school quarterback than I was with anything else in the game.  Enough said.

But to get excited about reading takes time.  It’s not the same thing at all.  Learning to read comes slowly for most kids, over time, after seeing lots and lots of letters strung together on a page, again and again and again.  It can be hard work.  But when we read to them, regularly, those words take our kids places.  They take them on adventures, they help them solve mysteries, they make them laugh.  It’s not the reading itself that’s exciting, it’s the story.  Reading is simply the means to the end.  And, given enough time and practice, our kids will pore over the pages and put the words together.  They'll take themselves to these enchanted places.

So go ahead and Read Across America.  It’s a good start, and, like many programs, it’s well intentioned.  But if you really want to help those other kids—the ones who aren’t being read to on a regular basis—you’ve got to up the ante.  Would you consider volunteering at their schools?  They could use you.  Really use you.  Last year, I spent one Tuesday every month in a 2^nd grade classroom at a school my children will never attend.  I worked with one child at a time, listening, encouraging, and reading.  At my own children’s school, parents line up to help.  If you want to volunteer, they’re glad to have you, but you’ll have to take your turn.  At this other school, only 15 miles west of ours, it’s an entirely different world.  They could use us every day, not just on March 2nd.  

photo credits: mikefats and zawezome

What's Really in the Food We Eat?

So you guys know that I like Diet Pepsi, even though I think Michael Pollan is right on the money.  You know that vegetables are my least favorite food group, even though I know they should be first.  You know that I think a lot about ways to help my kids have a healthy relationship with food.

But what you don’t know is that my friend, Janet, knows the exact calorie and fat count of every food ever produced.  Okay, that might be a teensy, beensy bit of exaggeration, but if I’m not sure about something food-related, she’s on my speed dial.  (Also for any fashion questions, but that's a post for another time.)

So when Janet said she learned stuff she didn’t know when she read Eat This, Not That, I couldn’t believe it!  She learned stuff?  I knew I had to get my hands on that book.  What could it possible contain that she didn’t know?  So I popped on over to the library and took a look.  And chock-full of information, it is.  I must admit that there are some interesting tidbits, like the fact that one Original Glazed doughnut from Krispy Kreme has less fat (11 grams) and less calories (190) than one Wild Blueberry muffin by Otis Spunkmeyer (22 grams, 420 calories).  Who knew?!

All in all, I’m not a big fan of the book but I can certainly see the appeal.  It’s a very practical guide for middle-of-the-store grocery shoppers.  But most weeks I try to avoid both Krispy Kreme and Otis Spunkmeyer—those are some fat grams I’d rather save for a rainy day.

By far, the grossest part of the book was page 6, which took me right back to high school English class, the one where we read Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle.  Perhaps I’m naïve, but I left all of those disgusting thoughts about food processing back in the 80’s and I was very disturbed to find them resurrected by the little chart called “The Wrong Kind of Protein; The little ‘bonus’ ingredients the FDA allows in your food.”  Here’s a sample:

“Canned tomatoes:  Can contain up to 5 fly eggs or 2 maggots per 500 grams.”

Maggots?  Do I really need to say more?

“Peanut Butter:  Can contain up to 30 insect framents or 1 rodent hair per 100 grams.”

30 insect fragments??

“Popcorn: Can contain up to 1 rodent pellet in one sample or 2 rodent hairs per pound.”

A rodent pellet?  IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS??

Alright, Mr. President.  As long as you’re overhauling everything else, what about the FDA?  As if the peanut recall weren’t bad enough, now I have to worry about rat crap in my popcorn? Puh-lease!

This is the best argument ever for participating in CSAs and buying local.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to enjoy canned tomatoes again.  Uggh.  Please, please don't tell me what you know about Diet Pepsi.  Let a girl enjoy her vice in ignorance, would you?

Enjoy the weekend everybody.  And for goodness sakes, be wary of your popcorn!

photo credits: asplosh

How Do You Solve Conflict in Marriage?

Update:  If you tried the link earlier & it didn't work, I'm so sorry!  The link is corrected-now click on over!

Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball.  When it happens to you as a single person, you deal with it in your own way.  We all have different coping mechanisms, right?  Some of us tuck into our shell and quietly contemplate for hours, days, or weeks.  Some of us call everyone we know, and hash out all of the gory details, over and over again, until we can finally make sense of them.  But what happens when you add a spouse to the mix and your coping mechanisms are entirely different?

See the rest of my thoughts on this over at Blissfully Domestic (aka Wedded Bliss) today.

How to Find Time For Yourself

As a young mom, there were days I was desperate for a little me-time.   All right, fine.  As an older mom, there are still days I’m desperate for a little me-time.

But as one of those peculiar moms who recoils at the thought of turning on “kids” TV, I didn’t have an easy out.  How on earth could I get a shower, cook dinner or take a deep breath without Backyardigans to the rescue?

It took some time, but I eventually figured it out.  Kids can entertain themselves.  It just takes a little work at the front end.  But it is so worth it when you finally get to take that breath.  Ahhhh!

For the Littlest Tykes try these…

Hands-on manipulatives go a long way with this group.

* Wooden blocks
* Big fat Legos (Duplos)
* Round ball with the shapes
* Fisher-Price stacking toy

These are just a few my boys really liked.  There are tons of things kids can play with—even your Tupperware or Rubbermaid.  If they can stack it, fit it together, or bang it loudly, it has a good chance of success.

As they get bigger…

* Brio or Thomas trains
* Lego blocks (still the Duplos – now for building, instead of banging or chewing)
* Books on tape (like magic!)
* Leap Pad – ours worked sporadically, but if you have a good one…
* Inexpensive matchbox cars, lots of them. They can race them, line them up, or just plain old play with ‘em.

When they won’t eat beads anymore…

* Perler Beads!  **Can serve double duty as fancy Christmas ornament gifts for Grandma and Grandpa, and everyone else they know**
* Regular Legos
* Books
* Books on tape/CD/iPod
* Kids’ digital camera
* Football cards

Admittedly, you won’t get much of a breath to begin with.  Set your expectations low, to start.  I began by sitting with my kids while they played with their toys.  But (for once) I didn't participate.  For just a few minutes, they managed on their own.  After awhile, they got used to figuring things out for themselves, and I eased out of the picture.  Now, if you're thinking I grabbed 30 minutes to myself, you need to re-evaluate, friend.  Slow.  Start slow.  It's all about your expectations!  

In the beginning, the time I got to myself was short - 10 minutes, at best.  But if you can grab 10 minutes to start dinner, you’re still ahead of the game.  In time, 10 will grow to 20.  By the time my kids were 3, they could entertain themselves in their rooms for an hour.  An hour!  Not only is this arrangement good for you, it’s good for them.  Independent play time fosters creativity.  Life doesn't always throw you something new when you're bored, does it?  No, sometimes we have to make our own fun with what we have.  That’s a good lesson to learn at any age, wouldn’t you agree?

The Modern Enjoli Woman

So how have I been spending my time lately?

Well, first there was this:

And then there was this:

Now, do any of you remember this?

Do they even still sell Enjoli?!

  So maybe I didn't bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan, but baby I laid the tile and baked the cake in the same day.  That has to count for something!

A Letter to My Neat and Tidy Friend

Dear Neat and Tidy Friend, 

Congratulations!  I hear you are considering adopting a puppy.  Fantastic idea!  Who doesn’t want a cute little bundle of fur take on walks, cuddle with, and love unconditionally?

The unconditional part is important, you see, because this puppy will change your life.  You know this already, right?  People have told you about the night waking and the many walks, they’ve told you about how you’ll have to re-arrange your schedule and save bundles of money for vet bills.  But what about the fur?  Have they mentioned the fur?  Or, more specifically, the shedding of the fur?

Oh, right, you’re going to keep him outside in a dog run.  Good plan.  My Aunt Elaine had that plan, too, until her sweet little Gypsy got sick.  She came in to get well and never left.  Dogs are smart that way.  People are the foolish ones.  That fancy dog run became a lawn ornament and trellis for beans or raspberries or some such thing.  It sure didn’t see Gypsy again.

And when your puppy joins the household, it won’t be long before you sit down to a lovely dinner and find a stray dog hair in your salad.  Consider yourself warned.  Disgusting, you say!  You are cleaner than that.  You will sweep and vacuum and mop away the evidence.  Yeah, okay, good luck with that.

My favorite part, really, is how dogs can sense who loves them and who would really rather see them penned up on a farm somewhere far, far away. One day, your stylish friend will show up dressed in her sleekest black pants, strutting her trim stuff all over the place.  And your super-hairy, hugely-shedding yellow Labrador will be right there to greet her. In a fine example of the skills dogs have honed through the years, he will sense that she doesn’t want a single strand of that nasty dog hair anywhere near her swanky self.  He will bound up to her, tongue hanging, tail wagging, hair flying everywhere, just to show her who’s in charge.

Dogs are the smart ones, I’m telling you.

Have fun with your new puppy.

With much love,

From  your friend with the extremely friendly, unbelievably hairy 13-year old Labrador

This post was written for Parent Bloggers Network's blog blast.  It's sponsored this week by SC Johnson, who's introducing the Pledge Fabric Sweeper for Pet Hair.  And as any dog owner will attest, this is an idea who's time has come!

SC Johnson to introduce the Pledge™ Fabric Sweeper for Pet Hair.

Thoughts About Life

So why are we here?  Not here, online, on blogs, making friends with women we may never actually see, but why are we here, here.  Here on this earth.  In this world.  Why are we part of our particular family? The community around us?  Why are we friends with our particular friends and mothers to our particular children?

Heavy stuff for a Thursday morning, wouldn’t you say?  Read the rest of my ruminations over at Midwest Parents today.

My Baby Boy is 10 Already!

Wordless Wednesday.

Is it Possible to Find Harmony on a Budget Vacation?

About 15 years ago, in our early married days, my husband and I took a weekend trip to Spokane, WA.  No kids, two incomes, endless time.  Sounds like fun, right?  Turns out, it was an early lesson in the marital art of compromise.  How we ended up on the sidewalk in front of our hotel, on a sunny, brisk morning, arguing about the coffee and paper he'd just purchased, is the topic of my most recent post at Blissfully Wed.  You can read about the compromise that saved all future vacations at Blissfully Wed (aka Wedded Bliss).  Pop on by for the gritty details!

A Sampling: Phelps, Guitar Hero, Madonna, Air Supply, and L'il Wayne

That title should get a few hits, huh?

Speaking of hits, this morning I was checking in with some bloggy friends, and I laughed out loud when I read Anne's post "Don't Phelps that Bong."  I found her 3rd point about journalists particularly amusing, the best being the one who said Phelps was caught "taking tokers from a bonger."  I'm still laughing.  Did someone really say that?  I don't care how busy you are.  It's worth a short click over for a good laugh.

Then I popped over to SusieJ's and read about how Guitar Hero has built a musical bridge between Susie and her teenage son.  Since just last year we suffered more than a bit of angst over our oldest son's intense desire to fit in and download all of the songs his friends were downloading, I found this compelling.  Guitar Hero can help?  Perhaps we should relent.  I'll take Fleetwood Mac over L'il Wayne any day of the week.

SusieJ mentioned Love Me Two Times by The Doors, so of course I watched the YouTube link.  Then I had to listen to this one, for really old times sake.  Well, you know what happened next, right?  I had stumbled onto Nostalgia Lane and I couldn't leave.  I just kept clicking.  Madonna, The Eagles, and Tears for Fears all reared their heads.  I'm not saying for sure, but Air Supply and Journey may have made a quick appearance too.  Suddenly it was 1985 and man, I was young.

I even rediscovered Men at Work and their vegemete sandwich.  And hey, do you remember this one?

I had totally forgotten, but there it is, preserved better than I'll ever be.  No wonder my dad hated MTV.  Between these guys and Madonna's lingerie, I'm surprised we didn't toss the TV and move to the woods.

It wasn't all wasted time, though.  Ever efficient, I was able to learn something new during my foray into the past. Until today, I thought you could find just about anything, anything I tell you, on YouTube.  But apparently, Prince (of course I tried to find Purple Rain!) and his record label have a ban on posting his music on YouTube.  You can find a few soundless videos, but really, who wants to look at that?  It's all about the listening, Prince.  No one wants to watch your 1984 writhing.  Okay, lots of people probably do, but I'm not one of them.

And then, Prince-deprivation notwithstanding, I began to come up for air. I surfaced from the depths of YouTube and my long ago musical past, and realized that I had doctor's appointments to make, articles to write, a Valentine's party to plan, a birthday cake to bake, and that none of my children have clean clothes.  So it's back to 2009, where I am less young but oh, so busy.  And if I need a flashback, there are always YouTube and Guitar Hero to help me out.

Happy Thursday, all!  

If  you want to join me in wasting some time, enjoy these blasts from the past, courtesy of YouTube:

The Good Old Days of Summer

Wordless Wednesday.

Is Stealing Wrong? I Need...

Last week, instead of doing the 25 Random Things About Me thingy, I stole this idea from Slackermama and came up with this.

I discovered that I kind of like stealing.  

So this week, I stole this idea from Coal Miner's Grandaughter, who is quite funny when she wants to be.

So here is the product of my most recent thieving.  Enjoy!

I need...

...a few more hours in each day.

...a few more minutes in each hour.

...a warm, sunshine-filled, palm tree-laden vacation (see above).

....to love my husband on purpose.

...to make the bed more often.

...to learn to let things go.

...to laugh with my friends.

...to laugh with my kids.

...to enjoy the present.

photo credit:  sirtrentalot 

3 Cheap Dates for Valentine's Day

With our wallets feeling the pinch of the faltering economy, spending a big wad of cash for Valentine’s Day might not be this year’s best move. Instead, celebrate things you love about one another and keep your money in the bank.  Pop on over to Blissfully Wed to read my ideas for 3 Cheap Dates for Valentine's Day.